How to detach after betrayal trauma

Aug 9, 20248 min read

Updated: Aug 11, 2024

How to detach after betrayal trauma

The heart wants what it wants and you might have childhood and even teenhood traumas that made you become this way. You found out that person isn't who they said they were. The memories of the holidays and the vacations are now tainted with a new narrative. Should you leave them, or should you stay? Your future might even be destroyed. With that said, I'm creating a guide on how NOT to break your heart further because it's already been broken. Other blogs and guides will tell you to "let go of the emotions." F%ck that... use the emotions. Depending on how long you've known your person, this will stick with you for a while. You're not going to just let it go without any good reason. You might feel betrayed and need justice. However, we're gonna get justice for what you might have been doing to yourself and didn't know it by overloving someone. By the end of this blog, you'll figure out how to detach after betrayal trauma or partner betrayal trauma. There are stages you must go through to even consider it. So, we won't tell you to "Just let it go". If you need serious help, skip reading this and call (719)-644-5778).

You loved that person too much, you hung out with them too often, you revisited too many memories of them and you have neglected to build your own friendship circle apart from theirs. Another form of betrayal is someone not giving you the same effort in the relationship. For example, you would always help a person with cleaning the dishes at their place but they won't help with the dishes at your place.

Overloving

Overloving is a "play-on-words" of Overloading. You have given so much love to someone that you even put them on a pedestal of the sacred. That is only reserved for your Wife, Husband, and Life Partner. A person of that level of status has proven themselves to earn these titles. What you have done (like most people) is skip the checklist and put them at the Wife and husband level without the trials and tribulation.

Cover your eyes.

Don't look at their pictures. Don't look at their face. Don't read their past text messages. It's not your fault that you desire someone. If they post attractive pictures, that person likely understands the effects of what their looks are doing to people including the negatives. From the attractive person's point of view, they are constantly getting an ego boost. Some might defend themselves and say they aren't looking for it and that is true but the "ego-boosting" effect doesn't change. What they are hoping for to happen is that you enjoy the way they look and they become flattered by your attention to it. To them, it's perceived as a "Win, win." However, to the person looking, it's a "Win, Loss". They see an opportunity and shoot a shot but is limited to just the looks. Imagine being hungry and having your favorite food swung in your face. You get more hungry. You compliment that chef and the chef thinks you enjoyed the way it looks and you do... but he's not selling to you. Now, you get in your car disappointed.

The problem with looking at them, hearing them, keeps validating and reassuring them that you like the "looking" experience and that you are okay with just looking. The problem with just looking is the feeling of loss that is slowly adding injury to your spirit. This may start the "I'm not good enough" trauma. We understand that you may still want them but not looking at them is the first step to stopping this cruel game people traumatize others with, including indirectly.

Slip Away.

You can't heal in the environment you got sick in. Spend less time with them. I'm gonna assume you have spent lots of time with them and have made lots of family connections. You are probably best friends with their Dad or Mom. You're in deep and you aren't only departing from one person. You're departing from the whole family, the dogs the friend groups. The pain you're feeling is immense and the person you're detaching from is so unaware of what's happening to you that you feel alone about it.

Departing from a loved one is equivalent to the life lost of a loved one. Talk to everyone less and less, and become busy. It's gonna hurt because you have a huge heart with no iPhone case. It's naked and ready to love. Unfortunately, it's vulnerable but skipping family gatherings would be the second step in detachment. This pain will go on for months and even years. Again, we understand that you may still want them but not going to these events will help you allocate more time to building a new one and this time, you'll know how not to overlove someone like you did. It's okay, no one told you this was going to happen. You just woke up and boom, your heart was broken and shot in the head in 4K.

Go back to the original things.

Work on something that excludes them. Let's face it. They won't care about things that aren't about them or have them in the picture. That person may have attention addiction issues because it wasn't a vitamin they developed with and that wasn't even their fault either. Whatever hobbies you did before you met them. Go back to them. As a matter of fact, try to build your new family with your hobby in mind. This will start the replacement therapy needed to get over not speaking to their family. If it's still early in the detachment phase. You're gonna think about them a lot. The heartbreak might have just happened.

Hear it from you.

Make a list of all the things you think are things that are horrible about them. Make that list include things that would make you feel how you're feeling right now. Mention how you won't ever be in that position.

Example

1.) I won't be compared to other lovers.

2.) I won't be a temporary lover.

3.) I won't be betrayed.

4.) I won't build new insecurities.

(and keep going till you run out of ideas)

Use your Voice Memo app and Record yourself. Add music. Use this: Click here.

Warning you may cry. Just know you're not alone.

If this blog only scratched the surface, consider talking to someone who has been in your shoes

Man writing emotional letter at coffee shop

Write them a long letter.

Explain what is happening to you. You and I both know if you spoke to them in person they'd probably disrespect you interrupt you, trying to flip the blame, trying to justify why they are right. They'll try to invalidate what you are professing while you're saying it. They are the toxic one and they don't even see it. They see it as "I just wanna say what I wanna say before I forget". If they are like this, that means they are not mature enough to handle adult conversations. They'd do poorly in a courtroom. The name of this reaction by the person who hurt you is called DARVO.

What is DARVO

DARVO stands for Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim to Offender. It's a manipulation tactic that can cause someone to be stuck in perpetual thought of the betrayal event. The person you're confronting will perceive you are attacking them and their ego wants to protect themselves, so they'll become the victim by disregarding how you feel and go straight to "what you did" while never addressing "what they did." It's the failure to address it that causes perpetual thoughts of finding the answer. When they address it, they'll exercise "D" in DARVO to deny it. Here's an example in a script to understand how people do this.

You: I thought you told me you would never hang out with that Chris guy. (Confronting)
Her: It's not that big a deal, he has a girlfriend. You're being too sensitive. (Deny)
You: Remember, I told you, I don't want you hanging out with him. Why? (Sharing feelings)
Her: Okay, so you hanging out with Ariana wasn't the same thing? (Reverse victim to offender)
She completely skipped over his "Why?" question and has reversed it.
You: I don't care for Ariana, she's not who I'm with, I don't like her. (Deny)
Her: Oh, so you would like her if you weren't with me? (Confronting)
You: Like, what are you saying right now? she's the dog lady (Deny)
Her: But you don't talk to me like you do with her (Confronting)
You: She's our dog walker, I'm just being professional. (Deny)

Notice how she reversed the conversation to make it about Ariana and not Chris. She used this manipulation tactic to avoid having to explain why she was hanging out with a man her boyfriend told her not to hang out with. If your person is avoiding something, it's rooted in shame.

Let's go back and give Her: one more shot to answer "why?" as if she isn't being attacked.

You: I thought you told me you would never hang out with that Chris guy. (Confronting)
Her: It's not that big a deal, he has a girlfriend. You're being too sensitive. (Deny)
You: Remember, I told you, I don't want you hanging out with him. Why? (Sharing feelings)
Her: Lexi needed a friend to balance out the group so I joined last minute. (Healthy explanation)
You: I need you to first find out who's coming and if he's there don't go. (Sharing solutions)
Her: I know I messed up, I get how you feel about that. I'll just bring you next time. (Healthy Accountability)

This conversation might be unlikely so.........

If you decide to speak to them, it may become a mess. When they say their part, they will respond as if you were attacking them. They'll come from a place of trying to be right. You must remember that you are playing Chess. Let them be right because being right or wrong shouldn't be the focus of the conversation. How you feel about what has happened and how you need time and space to grieve about it is the focus. Ask yourself if the relationship is emotionally beneficial to you. Is it one way? Is one person having the most fun? If your person's knee-jerk reaction is to justify and continue to come from a place of "who's right or who's wrong", they just want you to "get back in line". You don't have to endure what you have been enduring. So write the letter. Protect your emotions.

What to do if you get a letter back?

If the letter signals "I want you back" ask yourself

Will they change?
Did they take you seriously or try to minimize what they did or how you felt about it?
Was change maintained in the past?
Why do you need them in your life?
Do they uplift you or themselves?
Are their bad habits too difficult for them to conquer themselves?

I'll make it easy if...

1. = No

2. = No

3 = No

4 = You love them

5 = Themselves

6 = Yes

...you need to follow through all the steps with detachment because going back translates to them as it's okay to keep doing what they are doing. Your emotional and mental health will rot with the continued betrayal.

If you're not together but maybe coworkers or business partners, you must treat them completely differently. Professionally. Remember, you can't heal in the environment you got sick in.